Saturday, May 24, 2014

My soul! Proceed with caution... This is our long story! ;)

One day I keep thinking I'm going to write our story. Well I guess tonight I will write just a bit. There are so many incredible women I know who have gone through hell and are still breathing when the dust settles. Life is so so hard sometimes and it will totally throw some curve balls that knock you out for a bit, but you can't lay there in the dirt forever! I get up and dust myself off! I choose to view each day as a gift and realize that life is sometimes crappie but I don't learn a dang thing when everything is peachy. My life is nothing like I had imagined it but I wouldn't change a thing. I have definitely softened and realized that everyone is fighting a hard battle. I close myself off most the time... except to family. It's a defense mechanism that is just built in and makes me who I am but I've decided to open up a little. Pushing the publish button at the end of this is going to be hard and I'm sure I will feel naked so bare with me.
Well we can't have kid's and it sucks. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary in February and I am truly blessed to have such an amazing husband. After years of infertility treatments including a failed in vitro we decided to look to adopt. We filled out the insanely long application (this took me 6 months to complete because I am not a patient person). So our profile was up December of 2012 and we were contacted the first of March, 2013 by a young 19 yr old girl. She was due the end of August. We were thrilled and soon we found out she was having a girl! We traveled up to meet our BM (birth mom) and instantly clicked. While visiting we decided on naming her Kailaya. Our BM was from Hawaii but living in Utah and wanted to go home for a bit to be with family for support so when the end of June came around we were getting anxious to have her back in Utah. I got a call on June 24th which was my birthday from our BM's mother. She was nervous and said our BM wouldn't talk to me because she was scared we would change our mind. My thoughts are spinning and I asked if everything was okay? She then told me yes, but baby Kai was small and that the baby was a boy and not a girl! I think my mouth dropped open and it took me a second to respond. How could they make such a big mistake this late in the game? I said of course that's not going to make us change our minds and we were just as thrilled! And we we're! From that point on I was trying to switch gears and take everything pink back for blue... which was a lot! I tucked away the beautiful hand-stitched baby girl quilt I had made and started selecting boy fabric for a new one. Luckily I had painted our nursery a light grey... phew! Everything was on schedule, we had flown our BM back from Hawaii and we were planning on driving up that weekend to meet her mother who was flying in a couple days later. Brad was at scout camp and on his way home from a brutal 2 days in which he had only slept 6 hours. He is a very patient person so I can imagine he was on his last thread to grab a deacon by the neck, lift him 3 feet in the air over chairs and slam him down to tell him through gritted teeth to GO TO BED!!! (I learned this from this boys mother, who is also a dear friend, as she dropped some cookies off as a peace offering for Brad when he got home). So Brad is on his way home and I have nothing better to do than browse through Walmart. I still remember it was 8pm on Wednesday night and I get a call from our caseworker Darren. He says there are things that our BM hasn't been telling us. She has been seeing a specialist and we need to go to the next ultrasound ASAP. I'm standing in Walmart and hiding behind shelves trying to hold it together when Brad calls me. I loose it and make a mad dash to my car. Our plan: text BM to explain we decided to come into town early and were hoping we could come along for her ultrasound she was scheduled for the next morning at 9am, if she says yes then get packed and get on the road as soon as Brad pulls in at 11pm. So I text her and she says yes, but to meet at her Aunt's house at 8am because she needs to talk to us before we go to the ultrasound. So Brad gets home and we don't even turn the car off. We get to Brads parents at 4am. We can't even sleep but we try. 7am we get up and get ready then drive over to meet up with everyone. We walk in and it's kinda somber, our BM is very withdrawn and I could tell everyone was nervous. Her Aunt sits us down and they start to explain that the Dr's are concerned that baby Kai may have a syndrome because he isn't growing and he is ambiguous, which means they can't tell if he has boy or girl parts but they have ran all sorts of tests and chromosomally he is a boy. They are concerned he may have to have hormone shots possibly for life and also that his body can't metabolize cholesterol. They think it's Smith Lemli Opitz syndrome but it's just a guess and our BM is a carrier for this syndrome. They are just telling us now because they didn't think it was serious since no tests have come back positive. So we say that this isn't going to change our minds and everything will be fine. In fact I remember having a strong feeling come over me that everything was going to be okay, it was similar to how I felt when we found out Brad had cancer right before we got married. I knew that it was okay. So we went to the ultrasound and watched as the Dr made notes and took measurements and tried to explain that best case scenario our BM would be delivering in less than 3 weeks if baby Kai wasn't growing at the next visit in a week. The Dr also explained that with Smith Lemli Opitz that sometimes babies don't survive long after birth and to brace for possibly a long stay in the NICU. I was trying to put on a brave face and so was Brad. We then watched as our BM was hooked up to a different monitor that watched baby Kai's heart beat. While we waited I helped our BM fill out the adoption paper work for what she wanted to happen once she went into labor. I kept telling her this doesn't change anything.
When we left the hospital Brad didn't say a word the 30 minutes we drove back to his parents but tears were streaming down his face. He decided he needed to go for a drive and wanted to drop me off. I was hesitant because we were both exhausted and Brad more so than me with only maybe 8 hrs of sleep in 72 hours. But I knew he needed some time alone so I walked into his parents downstairs only to find his sister Tara who just looked at me and could tell there was something wrong. I just melted into her arms and broke down sobbing. We stayed through the weekend and Pam (Brad's mom) and I went on a girls lunch date that Saturday with our BM, her mom and her Aunt. We really had a good time and even though it was gloomy we all had hope that everything would be okay.
On Sunday Brad and I were getting ready to leave and Brad's dad Dave decided to give us each a priesthood blessing. In his prayer he said that I have a choice and that I needed to pray for the right answer. Those words hit me so hard. Up to this point I had never even considered that I had a choice. So we got home Sunday night and by the next morning I decided that we needed to have a family fast ASAP! So I called up the whole family and asked them to all join with us in a true 24 hr fast. Which, I'm ashamed to say, would be my first time to do a true 24hr fast. We started our fast Monday afternoon and I prayed that if this was meant to be and we were suppose to adopt baby Kai that we would have peace no matter what and come what may. And if we weren't meant to adopt him that we wouldn't have guilt and we would know that it wasn't meant to be. So Tuesday at 2pm we met with our caseworker. We were still fasting and praying continually. We hadn't made our decision, so Darren read to us a talk about receiving an answer to your prayers by one of the apostles. He said that first we need to pray with a sincere heart and then we must make a decision and if it's right we will have a feeling of peace but if not then we will have a stupor of thought. Then he started running through different scenarios with us. He ran through about 5 different scenarios when he said "how would you feel if baby Kai was born and everything was okay but a different family adopted him?". I looked at Darren and said without even skipping a beat "I would be happy for them". Right then it surprised me that I knew in my heart that I had made a decision and the feelings that came after we're unexplainable and I knew without a doubt he was meant to be in a different family. I didn't even feel guilt and that in it's self was truly amazing! When Brad and I got home that night we ended our fast with a prayer and knew that it was right. Throughout the evening we were even back to ourselves with each other and Brad even mentioned that he had noticed a positive change in our demeanor. Well, the hardest part wasn't over. The next day we called our BM and delivered the news. I could hardly talk and she was devastated and crying. It was the most difficult thing to do because I truly did love our BM. I was so protective of her and hated hurting her. I still love her to this day and understand why she kept things from us. She was terrified and desperate. We had such an easy going relationship and I felt like I was her big sister in a way.
So life went back to normal for us. Our profile went back up and we were both in a good place then we got an email from our BM a month and a half after baby Kai was born. He was still in the NICU and very small but he was doing great and the Dr's hadn't found anything wrong with him. She was wanting us to reconsider with this new information. I immediately hopped out of bed my heart pounding and started packing! This little precious baby was still in the hospital and she had still not chosen a family to adopt him yet and I was not going to let him be there any longer alone because everything in me wanted a baby and he was there waiting for a mommy and a daddy!!! What were we waiting for?!? Let's just say Brad had one hell of a fight getting me back to bed that night and convincing me that we could wait until morning. So the next day we got up and started discussing what to do and it was so interesting to me because I started feeling guilty that I was taking him away from the family that was meant to adopt him! Are you kidding me??? So once again we knelt in prayer and once again we got our answer. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that God knows me and has a plan for little, tiny, insignificant me! So we sent an email back to our BM telling her how we felt. And that is totally not the end of the story, but I need to go to sleep. Stay tuned! ;)